Pregnancy underachiever...

If you are anything like me, you probably imagined your pregnancy to be a time of utmost health and self control. I pictured myself eating salads non-stop, exercising and walking all the time, and taking every vitamin under the sun. And there is no way in hell I was going to take medicine, drink caffeine, or eat deli meats.

Pshhhhhhhh...

I mean, I still WOULD like to do all those things, but it's just not happening. Vegetables are still the one thing that makes me gag, I am usually too tired to even change into workout clothes, and vitamins are an entirely different story. I am hoping that once my morning sickness completely goes away, that I can get back to eating healthier and exercising more, but I am not super stressed out about it. But, I still have not eaten any deli meats or hotdogs - because NO ONE should eat deli meats or hotdogs.

Until my second doctor's appointment, I was pretty much convinced I was going to kill our unborn child. I had a lot of nightmares about miscarriage, and I was a wreck. To make me even more scared, I was dependent on this nausea medication, and even though it was prescribed to me by an OBGYN that has been delivering babies for 30 years, I couldn't fully trust that it  is 100% safe to take...

Scene: 2nd doctor's appointment - 10 weeks pregnant

Me: So I've read that at some point it's not safe to sleep on your back because of blood flow to the uterus. When do I need to start worrying about that?

Doc: You read that because you live in the United States.

Me: Yeah...

Doc: In most parts of the world, pregnant women are concerned about two things: 1. food and water, and 2. disease. Sleep however makes you comfortable. Actually, the most dangerous position to be in while pregnant is standing, but people tend to need to walk from time to time... you know, to get places.

Me: What about laxatives?*

Doc: Take as many laxatives as you want.

That conversation was the best thing that ever happened to me. It flipped a switch in my brain, and I could finally relax. Prenatal care/health are really important, and you should do everything in your power to create a healthy prenatal environment for your child. But, your body was designed to do all of that on it's own... without a lot of the intervention that is now considered standard.

*I could write an entire book on this little star. It's funny, everyone loves to joke about pooping on the table during childbirth, but no one discusses the evil constipation that comes with being pregnant. And if you are taking iron/calcium-heavy prenatal vitamins... just forget it. I knew that pregnant women can get hemorrhoids... but no one ever told me why. Well people, I am here to tell you. I can remember every time I went to the bathroom in the past month. I'm not kidding. And so can my husband, because it was such a big deal that I either shouted at him from the bathroom or texted him at work to alert him to my achievement. Is this gross and am I way over-sharing? Yes. Absolutely. All this can happen for two reasons. First of all, when you're pregnant, pregnancy hormones slow down for your GI tract so that your body can suck out as much nutrition as possible from the food you eat. Secondly, iron and calcium are a deadly constipation recipe, and good luck finding a prenatal vitamin that doesn't include those two jerkoffs. Finally, combine that with a morning-sickness diet and exercise regiment, and it's not a fair fight. There is no amount of Activia that can save you. Have any more questions about this topic? Feel free to ask. I love telling people about self-administered enemas, but this is as much information that I can post without upsetting my mom. 

In regards to prenatal vitamins. There is really no legit evidence that prenatal vitamins do anything if you are already healthy and have no elevated risk for prenatal issues. So at about week 10, I got the green light from my midwife friend to stop taking prenatals (considering she knew how badly they were affecting my "regularity"). So for about 10 days, I stopped and took a regular multivitamin from time to time. Then, the most wonderful thing happened! I found the holy grail of prenatals. No iron. No calcium. AND it's a gummy that tastes like sour patch kids. AND I found these at Target, no less. So yes, deep down I believe that women don't need vitamins for healthy babies, but I also believe they can't hurt. Plus, I have sincere doubts that popcorn and cereal are going to provide all the nutrition I need.

The most exciting thing to happen to me in a couple weeks...

Oh, and did I mention that I had sushi yesterday?

Love,

Lauren