Wednesday, September 12, 2012

I'm just thankful this didn't happen to ME...

I have this FRIEND. She is pregnant, and roughly as far along I am. About two weeks ago, she got some visitors that were being total a-holes... on her a-hole. Yeah, I'm talking about hemorrhoids. I mean I can't speak from personal experience or anything, but from WHAT I HEAR, hemorrhoids are about the worst benign thing that can happen to your body. I'VE READ that its like every nerve in your body ends in your butt, and every step, laugh, and eye roll sends a lightning bolt of pain straight to your ass.

So out of desperation SHE went to some fake doctor that offers everything from botox to heart transplants (and I am pretty sure he sells Mary Kay out of his office, too) to try and get some perscription strength relief. Well $63 later, and these guys don't seem to be getting the message to go back where they came from.

At HER next appointment with her OB, she mentioned the problem. When HER doctor took a peek, he literally called the nurse over to see and said "Yep. It's a beaut!" Or maybe he meant butte? Either way... straight out of a movie. You might guess that this scene would have horrified HER, but instead the validation that she was suffering from the equivalent of a modern plague felt like justice. Oh and guess what. They most likely will not go away until after birth at which point they will probably get worse. Awesome.

Worst. Thing. Ever. Or so I've been told...

I'm sure at least half of you reading this have had one before, and the other half of us can only sympathize and offer our support. More than 50% of pregnant women develop pregnancy-related hemmies, yet no one talks about it. We all know girls don't poop or fart, and they certainly don't get hemorrhoids so I understand the secrecy of this very common issue.

However. It is my belief that butt shame is keeping the medical community from developing a cure for one of the oldest known pains in the ass. MY FRIEND has discovered that you basically have two options for this issue. Get some creams that don't work (seriously, I don't know how in the hell Preparation H is still in business), or get surgery that might also not work and hurts even worse than the original problem. Not to marginalize actual health problems, but when there are pills to treat AIDS and many curable forms of cancer, how can doctors not just sit down and figure this one out?

My theory is that because of the butt shame, no one is demanding answers. There are no benefit concerts or 5k runs to raise money for hemorrhoid research. I know FOR SURE that if Bono ever had hemorrhoids that they would be erased from the face of the earth by now.

But times are changing, people. On behalf of my FRIEND, I am comitting myself to raising hemorrhoid awareness. So if you were looking for a new philanthropy to get invovled with or a good volunteer job to add to your resume, well here it is...


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