I LOST 30 POUNDS! And hated every second of it...

On January 16th, I wrote THIS post. I stated that I wanted to lose 30 lbs, and vaguely outlined my plan of action. Well, here we are six months later, and I did it, y'all!

So let me start from the beginning... With Henry, I gained almost 60 lbs during my pregnancy. In the first two weeks after his birth, I lost 30 lbs of that. I was insanely swollen so a lot of my weight was fluid retention...

See? Told ya. However, after that first two weeks, I did not lose anything else. I had issues with breastfeeding from the get go, and even though I was exclusively nursing for almost 4 months, it did nothing for my weight loss. By January, Henry was 3 months old, and I still had 30 lbs to lose to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight. So, really, if I wanted to, I could say I lost 60 lbs, but I don't think that accurately depicts the situation.

In January, I just felt gross. I have been varying degrees of overweight most of my life, but, honestly, I never really felt bad about myself. In January, I had a lot of moments of self-loathing. That was a new thing for me, so I decided I really had to get shit taken care of. Initially, I didn't set a time constraint on my weight-loss. I've never lost more than 15 lbs at a time in my life, so I didn't even know where to begin with this goal. As time went on, and I had success, I decided to go by the "9 months to put it on, 9 months to take it off" rule. Well... 9 months and TWO DAYS.

To give a little background for anyone reading this blog for the first time, I will briefly depict my weight history... I have always been like 10-20 lbs overweight my entire life, according to medical charts. Weight loss and maintenance has always been an issue for me, and I do believe that my metabolism is on the low end of the spectrum. I have always played sports and worked out, and been decently fit, just never thin. At the time I got pregnant, it was 2 months after my wedding, and I felt pretty good about my body. I was doing crossfit and paleo religiously, and I was in really great health. This 30 lbs I lost does not get me to my ideal weight. My ideal weight is still about 10-15 lbs away.

So what did I do to lose the weight? What a hard question to answer. The bottom line is I exercised more and ate less. The REAL bottom line is that... I cut out all the emotional/mental bullshit out of the equation, and just freaking did what it takes.

Exercise: Henry and I attend Baby Boot Camp 5 times a week. It's a good and effective work out. Working out for an hour five times a week is more than most people. Boot camp definitely has helped my body look so much better, but was it the main factor in my weight loss? No. Although, the constant support and motivation from my mom friends was incredibly helpful and encouraging.

Food: Obviously, my diet and calorie intake has been the main source of success for my weight loss. I didn't go on a "diet." I don't have time to plan out meals or go grocery shopping the way most diets require that you do. Well, actually I have plenty of time, but I hate grocery shopping and I am lazy. Anyway, I really ate all the same foods as before. I just ate a whole hell of a lot less. I do not count calories. Again, too lazy. Basically, I just had to gauge what hunger level I needed to be at to lose weight steadily week to week. My guess is that it was around 1000 calories on a daily basis. I know that 1000 calories a day is not "healthy". But neither is being overweight. I do not recommend eating less than 1200 calories a day, but my metabolism sucks major ass, and 1200 calories even with working out will not allow me to effectively lose weight. Argue with me all you want, but I just lost 30 lbs... so just trust that I know what I am saying. Of course, there are days I probably ate something crazy like 3000 calories. But they were very few and far in between. Like once or twice a month. Not once or twice a week.

More food stuff: 1000 calories a day sucks. I was/am hungry a lot, and it's pretty miserable. I hate to say this because it kind of sounds like the beginning of an eating disorder... but after a while, I embraced that super hungry feeling. I would tell myself "this is what losing weight feels like." I do not have an eating disorder, by the way. I needed to lose 30 lbs, so I did what it took. And it was over 6 months, so obviously I wasn't doing anything too crazy.

Even more food stuff: I would like to point out that I basically do not drink alcohol. Not because "I don't drink." I do. It's just that with a baby, I never go out to bars and we go to dinner at 5:30. I also don't particularly "enjoy" alcohol. I like drinking with my friends and family and getting a buzz going... but I couldn't care less about good wine or cocktails or trying new beers. COULD NOT CARE LESS. All that combined makes not drinking about as easy as not doing crystal meth (translation... very easy). I want to mention this because I know a lot of single 20 something girls will read this. When I was single and going out all the time, I don't think I could have foregone alcohol for six months. And even if you only drink on the weekends... multiply 1000 calories by 20 weeks, and you're not going to get the same results.

Now I want to talk about cutting out the bullshit. I have a bad metabolism. I've been chubby my entire life. I have always had to work harder than other people to lose weight. I have a parent who criticized my weight from a very young age. I was made fun of when I was a kid. I felt left out sometimes as an adult. I freaking love food to the point that it is like textbook addiction. I sometimes compulsively eat without even realizing it. I have narcolepsy which messes with your hunger signals.

The point is... there will always be a million reasons that you can tell yourself why you are overweight or why it's harder for you to lose weight. BUT... So let's say you had a brother who always called you fat growing up, and you feel that a lot of your issues stemmed from that. Well... even if you go to therapy, talk it out, confront your brother, he apologizes, you cry and hug and fix everything... That's not going to make you like food any less. That's not going to make a Double Dave's pizza roll any less tempting. It's not going to give you more energy to go on a run.

You just have to decide if you're going to do it or not. Doing it means sticking to the plan every day. Not three or four days a week. Not three weeks but then going on vacation and gaining 10 lbs. It's an every day thing. Every one of your actions has a consequence. Having a margarita has a consequence. Going for a run has a consequence. You have to constantly be on top of what you are doing and how it's going to feel each week if you do or do not lose weight.

I highly suggest setting a goal date and doing weekly weigh ins. I have had the internet to keep me accountable, but even if it's your mom or your boyfriend, just check in with someone. And take pictures. Seeing yourself look better in a picture is so much more gratifying than just looking in the mirror. That picture is there to remind you "this is what making good decisions looks like."

I know that all sounds like a lot of tough love, but I am just trying to be as straight forward as possible. There was nothing fun about losing 30 lbs other than losing 30 lbs. If I could look awesome without ever working out, trust me, I wouldn't. And I love food and I can eat a ton. Losing 30 lbs has not changed that one bit. I know I am going to continue to struggle with this forever. It's never going to be something I don't have to think about or put effort towards.

One last topic... My body does not look the same since having a baby. I am the same weight, but this body is different. The stretch marks from pregnancy are still there, and my bellybutton looks squishy. And if you've had a child, I don't even need to tell you what's going on with my boobs. I swear it's like you could fit your cell phone and keys in the empty space in my bra.

What does it feel like to lose 30 lbs? It feels just as awesome as you think it would. I recommend it.

Ok. Now come the pictures. First, I will do a series of me in work out clothes, then, I will do me in regular clothes. The regular clothes series doesn't start until around April because I felt too gross to let anyone take a full body shot of me...

 (sorry, I had to include that picture)

And the regulars...

Somewhere in my blog, I talked about that last dress. I bought it when I was pregnant, thinking it would be loose and breezy for after the baby. WRONG. I couldn't even get it over my head. No joke. And now it fits perfect! I bought those ikat/chevron jeans when I was pregnant, too. So glad I did because they are incredibly soft and comfy now. 

While we are talking about clothes, I am still a size 12. I could probably do a 10 in some bottoms, but I am so thick in my waist and ribs that I would have to lose another 10 lbs to go down in dress size. And I'm 5'6 for anyone who has never seen me in person. 

AND WHAT THE HELL... I now weigh 168 lbs.

Love,

Lauren

Don't say I didn't warn you...

Yeah. 29 lbs. NOT 30. And to clarify the 30 pounds was not just baby weight. If I include all the weight I have lost since pregnancy the way celebrties do, I would easily have my "I Lost 60 Pounds" People Magazine cover. I lost 30 lbs within the first two weeks since Henry was born, and after that... nada. In January, I still had 30 lbs to go and that is when I started all of this.

I'm ok with the not meeting my deadline thine, but just very annoyed at the moment. I'll post next week when I finally get there with before/after pictures and a reflection back on the entire process. Until then...

Love,

Lauren

Some last minute things you need to know before you pop that baby out...

As I have mentioned about a hundred times, I was so so prepared for childbirth. Not only from a medical point of view, but also in the terms that I had bought a new robe for the hospital and ordered handmade slippers off of etsy. I also had an arsenal of postpartum recovery products from panty liners to dermaplast. Most of what I brought was a total waste, but there are definitely a couple things that you  might want. I know a ton of people that are pregnant right now, so the timing seemed right to share some insight on what really happens in the hospital. Keep in mind, I had a vaginal delivery and I am not in tune with the differences that having a c-section will create during your hospital stay.

What you are about to read is a lot of information, but it is all helpful. I'm not going to waste time making some cute print out list of what you need, because that means this post would probably never get published. I'm giving you the facts, and that's about it.

Things to keep in mind at the hospital:

-Most likely, you will be getting an IV. Make sure to ask that they give it to you in your non-dominant hand/arm. I had mine in my right hand and it was really uncomfortable. Although I wasn't hooked up to anything after he was born, they kept the needle part in for at least a day I guess in case I needed blood or some type of medication? Anyway, that's a really simple request so be sure to ask!

-You want an enema. I'm pretty sure it's standard practice at most hospitals to administer an enema during labor, but I've read some things here and there that makes me think some people don't get one. You want one so that you know what doesn't happen when you're pushing. More importantly, regardless of how your baby came out of your body, you want to delay that first bathroom trip after birth as long as possible. 

-On the same note, the SECOND you get in your postpartum room, badger the nurse to give you stool softeners. If they brush it off, do not give up and keep bugging them about it. And keep taking them the entire time you are there, and when you get home. I didn't have any issues with this topic, but I am glad that I made sure not to risk it. 

-Take everything you can from the hospital. You pay for everything in that room whether you use it or not. Take home all the sitz bath, and the granny pads, and the mesh boyshorts, and the pee pads, just take it all. If you run out of anything, you make the nurse brings you more. Oh, and you can also pretend that you run out of something and then ask for more as well. I did that with HCl cream and dermaplast.

-Just know that you are going to be bleeding a lot, and for a while. Those panty liners that I talked about up at the top? Hahahaha what a joke! I was seriously wearing what could almost be considered a diaper the entire time I was there. Click here to get a visual. With that in mind, you mostly likely will not be putting on real panties or wearing pajama bottoms until you leave because everything is just so messy. For this reason, you really do need a robe that is a decent length. 

-Get up and walk around. I was in so much pain and could barely move so it didn't occur to me to get out of bed other than to use the bathroom. On the last day the nurse was like oh you should probably walk around so you don't get blood clots. Yeah, information that could have been useful to me on the first day. It's no big deal, just force yourself to get up and move around as much as you can.
-Finally, you need to know, because NO ONE EVER TOLD ME, that you get really swollen after childbirth. If you think your pregnancy swelling couldn't be any worse, you're wrong. My legs looked like a cabbage patch doll. It was awful. I just want to let you know so that your heart isn't broken 3 days after birth and you realize the swelling is not going away.

Stuff that you do or do not need...
-Don't bring any nice pajama bottoms. Honestly, there's a good chance you could get blood on them.
-But, your husband does need to bring pajama bottoms. Tom forgot and had to sleep in his jeans both nights.
-Definitely bring a pillow or blanket from home that you like.
-I never wore makeup or did my hair while I was there, because I basically felt like I was recovering from a vagina-on collision with an 18 wheeler. But if things go better for you, it might be worth it for the sake of pictures.
-I brought an ipod speaker dock for the labor room, and I really enjoyed having soothing music while I was in labor.
-The hospital will have white onesies or shirts for your baby, so don't worry about bringing basic stuff like that. Just whatever you want to bring him home in will be fine.
-Bring a towel and loofa/washcloth. The towels at the hospital will most likely be the size of a placemat.

For when you get home...
-Be sure that you have some decent pajama pants to wear for a while. I never wear pajama pants, so I didn't have any good ones that fit. My mom had to go on a mission to the mall to get me some because there was no way I would let someone see me in shorts. Target would have been fine, but I appreciate the Nordstrom jammie bottoms she got me.
-I didn't wear nursing bras when I was nursing. I just wore really soft... yoga bras? You know, the really thin and stretchy ones. I found those were way easier to just pull up or down than dealing with the nursing bra thing.
-If anyone asks you what they can do to help, tell them to bring you dinner. That was by far the best thing anyone did for us. One time my parents brought us steaks from Perry's, and for the five minutes I was eating, I felt like a normal person again.
-If you have dogs, it would be ideal if they could stay with someone else for a few days. I think our dogs lived at Tom's parents house for a week. If you can't arrange something like this, I don't think it would be the end of the world. Plus, we have two herding dogs that are very high maintenance, and we didn't want to introduce them to the baby when everything was still incredibly stressful.
-You will need pads. If you're like me, you haven't bought a pad since 1997. This really stressed me out. There are all these stupid options out there, and I had no idea what I needed. I will say though, after the first week, the pad thing really didn't bother me as much as I thought it would.

My last piece of advice is pretty important. Just prepare yourself for the fact that you are going to pay a lot of money for the birth. And just when you think you've paid everything, your child turns 7 months old and you get another bill for $600. I called the hospital ahead of time to estimate the cost of our stay. Well, they were pretty accurate about how much it all cost for me, but they failed to mention that none of the estimation includes anything for the baby. So far, we've probably paid about $1300 for Henry's stuff, and he was so healthy that he didn't have even one tiny little minor "extra" thing to make the bill more expensive. Maybe your insurance is way better than ours, so it won't be a problem. But either way, I just want you you go into it knowing that everything for you and everything for your baby is charged completely separately.

Also, if your hospital has a nursery, don't feel bad about letting the baby stay there for a few hours so you can get some sleep.

Read Henry's birth story here for more info.

Love,

Lauren

Weightloss Wednesday: Some advice for preggos and new moms...

I wanted to take a week off last week. Not a week off from trying to lose weight, but a week off from having to write about it. I was starting to bore my own self. But anyway, 2 more lbs. I cannot tell you how pumped I am going to be when I get to the 20lb loss mark. That will be when things get real. I am still pleased with 17 lbs, but knowing that I only have 10 more to go will feel amazing. 

Now, on to YOU. What I am going to write is a whole lot of unsolicited advice, and all I am hoping to do is to prevent even one person from getting themselves into this mess that I am. 

Before I had gained any pounds in my pregnancy, I came up with a weight that I did not want to go above. Well, I blew past that before I was even in the third trimester. And when it was all said and done, I had gained over 50 lbs. I swear to you, I was not just chowing down on everything in sight, every single day. But it was little things over the course of 9 months that added up. I probably had donuts about 5 times during my pregnancy. Prior to that, it had probably been well over a year since I had a donut. Same thing with ice cream. Maybe like twice a month, Thomas and I went to get ice cream when I was pregnant, which I never in a million years would have done before. Also, eating tortillas with my fajitas, drinking more soda, eating cinnamon toast crunch instead of bran flakes, etc.. It was a bunch of little things that individually, on a daily basis did not seem excessive or even all that indulgent. But added all together, it left me with 30 lbs to lose after the baby. 

Looking back, I thought that the weight gained with pregnancy would be easier to lose than the regular fat that's been there since 6th grade. WRONG. Every single pound that I have lost has been a huge pain in the ass. It's not like that time you lost 15 lbs in 10th grade, or like that time you stopped drinking for a month and college and lost 10 lbs. It's like you're just an old fatass who has to pull their shit together and make the weight loss happen.

Some people will immediately drop the weight, and some people will even get skinnier than they were before they got pregnant. While, yes, that COULD happen to you, it most likely will not. In general, if you have always been pretty thin without much effort, you'll probably get back there pretty easily after the baby. But if like me, you feel like you've been moderating your food since middle school, it most likely will be harder than it's ever been. Some people also lose a ton of weight while breastfeeding. But it's not the majority. I just want to mention all this because you do not want to go through your pregnancy counting on the idea that because your cousin ate 5000 calories a day while breastfeeding and still lost weight, that you are going to as well. Also, do not rely on anything your mom told you. My mom, for example, gained 16 lbs when she was pregnant, and did not get one single stretch mark. 

By now, you probably are annoyed that I am telling you things that are so completely obvious. (Or you're like sorry, I'm skinny, I don't know what you're talking about). But I was in your shoes once. I was committed to not gaining too much weight, and thought I was trying to sort of eat healthy. I was convinced this wouldn't happen to me. I thought that I would come out the other side being a cute new mom prancing around in my cut offs. I kind of hate that I even just said that, because it's so not about looks. It's about being healthy. And sorry Adele... you can be overweight and beautiful, but you can't be overweight and completely healthy. 

My overall advice would be, whatever general things you were doing to be healthy before you were pregnant, you need to keep that up when you're pregnant. If you stopped drinking soda, don't start again. If you never ate fast food, don't give yourself a hallpass because there's a baby in your belly. When that baby gets here, you will be more busy, stressed, and overwhelmed than you have ever been in your life, and you don't want to add possibly feeling bad about your weird mom body on top of everything else. Unfortunately, loving your baby doesn't burn calories, so keep it in check now while you still have the chance!

Love,

Lauren

Henry's birth story Part II...

Let's get right to it.

When I had completely dilated to 10cm, the nurse told me it was time to push. It wasn't time to push Henry out, but it was time to push him down and get the ball rolling. The doctor didn't even come in for this part. It was just me, Thomas, and the nurse. I had stopped pushing my epidural button 30 minutes prior so that I would get some sensation back for pushing, but I was still almost entirely numb. After the first push, I told the nurse that it just like "thinking really hard." I am pretty sure nothing happened for the first couple of pushes. But as I pushed harder, and became less numb, he started slowly moving down. Not that I could tell, but that's what the nurse said. She also said she could feel his head and that he had a ton of hair. 

This whole pushing but not pushing thing went on for over an hour. While I was pushing, the nurse was helping by massaging/stretching my baby hole to help Henry come out easier. Yeah, you heard me. According to Thomas, he saw everything, and we've just left it at that. Oh, the nurse also mentioned that I had a "mack truck pelvis" and I wanted to be sure and share that with a public audience.

Finally, the doctor came and it was actually time to try and pop this baby out. Because Henry had passed meconium, he told me that he would have to be handed off to the neonatologist immediately to do whatever it is that they do in that situation. This meant that he also would not be placed on my chest immediately, and that all my Kourtney-Kardashian-pull-your-own-baby-out dreams would be over. It surprised me how much in the moment I really didn't care. I was so determined to just get it over with that disappointment didn't even cross my mind. 

The next contraction came, and the doctor was still getting ready so I asked if it was ok to push. He said to go for it, and BAM. Henry was born into the world on October 9th, 2012 at 2:44pm. In one big push. As he was coming out, my doctor remarked at what a big young man he was. I never had size scans for Henry late in my pregnancy, so we had no idea that he was going to be a huge, 9lb 6oz baby. My vagina also had no clue, and definitely paid for it. 

As a teenager, when I heard that you tear during childbirth, I was so horrified that I couldn't even grasp like where or how that happened. But it happened to me, and it was awful. The first 30 minutes of Henry's life was me getting sewn back together by my doctor. He said that it wasn't like a number of stitches that could be counted, and that it was more like a continuous stitch. Awesome. The good news is, everything is perfectly back to normal now. I have no idea how that works, but I swear it's like it never happened. But one thing I would like to say is, that vagina repair part of birth was really painful, and although it mostly had worn off by then I was so incredibly thankful to have some epidural left in my system. For that reason alone, I will probably chose to have one for sure at my next birth. 

Finally, Thomas brought over our sweet baby, and I got to hold him for the first time. He was such a little angel, and I couldn't believe that he was here. Obviously, everyone thinks their baby is the cutest ever, but seriously, Henry was the most handsome little baby I have ever seen. In those first few minutes, we nursed for the first time and he latched on right away. Seeing your child that is about 10 minutes old immediately know what to do with a boob is the sweetest thing in the world, and you can't help but be proud that they are already doing such a good job at being a baby.

Everything went to hell after that. I don't know if it was from the epidural or what, but I started to feel like I was going to faint and then I lost my hearing. They quickly brought someone in with those smelly ammonia things, and I came to, but it was kind of scary. Then I had the shakes. Then I threw up. At this point, they took Henry to the nursery and they made it clear that my time in the delivery room was up. With the help of a nurse, we rolled my half numb body into a wheel chair and I went to my postpartum room. 

I have a lot to report on the postpartum recovery process, because it was lengthy and complicated. I feel that women need to know that for every story you hear about some woman jumping out of the bed and showering right after birth, that there is story like mine in which you can barely walk for a week. 

I want to say thanks for reading the story of Henry's birth, and for following along through my experience as a pregnant lady and new mom. As much as I complained about everything possible, I am so beyond blessed that I could get pregnant, never had any complications during pregnant, had a relatively easy birth, and now have a perfect little boy. None of that is lost on me. 

Last, but not least, here is a little video I made that features some footage from the actual birth. Enjoy!

You can read PART I of Henry's birth here. 

Love,

Lauren

Henry's birth story Part I...

This is a little late, but I finally want to share Henry's birth story. If you can remember, I was basically running for president of the united states of natural births. We had a very well-researched birth plan, and I was totally committed to doing everything I could to have a birth with as little medical interventions as possible.

Well, pretty much the only part of our birth planned that ended up being useful was the correct spelling of our names. The 20 copies of our birth plan that we printed out may as well have been used to soak up amniotic fluid from our hospital room floor. I refused to be induced and went 10 days past my due date to let myself go into labor naturally. At 10 days, my doctor pretty much gave Henry an eviction notice and scheduled my induction.

The morning of the induction, I am pretty sure that I lost my mucus plus. And while we were waiting outside Labor & Delivery to be taken back (for TWO hours), I started having contractions. The contractions were nothing new, but it was super uncomfortable to be going through labor in a plastic chair. But all of this was was overshadowed by the sheer thrill I got when a mom and teenage daughter showed up and they were BOTH PREGNANT. It was like all my teen mom dreams came true.

Once we finally made it into our room, our amazing nurse got down to business. Within five minutes I was enjoying my enema, and spent the following hour in the bathroom. Unless you want to risk pooping during labor, you want the enema. It's no big deal, just do it. At one point Thomas was asking me some very trivial question through the bathroom door, and I yelled back "why don't you ask me this later, when I'm not shitting my brains out."

There was no time before they hooked me up to an IV and started the pitocin aka devil juice. The doctor also broke my water at the same time. Pitocin makes your uterus contract and can speed up labor. But because these contractions are being produced through a synthetic drug instead of your own hormones, they are a million times worse than regular contractions. They come fast and hard, and it was only about 15 minutes in that my resolve to not have an epidural began to wane.

The only thing that kept me from getting an epidural sooner was knowing that I would be confined to the bed once I got it, and I still wasn't 100% sure that the enema was completely "done." Finally, I could take no more and ordered an epidural. I should have asked for it sooner because having horrendous contractions while someone shoves needles and tubes in your spine is not something I would recommend. I was surprised by how uncomfortable the epidural was. I am not afraid of needles, but I could feel everything being put into my spine and the pressure was kind of scary. Plus, some nerve was being activated because I kept getting these lighting bolt pain surges in my left hip. But when it was all over, the relief was amazing. It felt like a warm tingly sensation that started in my pelvis and just kept getting higher and higher as time went on. I could still wiggle my toes, but other than that I was pretty much paralyzed.

The epidural not only physically relaxed me, but I was also like half drunk from it. I remember telling our nurse that she should go take a lunch break and call her family, because I was fiiiiiiiine. For the next couple of hours I let the medicine do it's job and I basically just napped on and off. I cranked up some soothing spa music I had downloaded, turned down the lights, and drifted off to sleep while Henry continued to descend down the birth canal.

It was very surprising how quickly things progressed. Every time they checked me, I had dilated another 2-3 cm. This actually kind of freaked me out because I felt like it was happening so fast and that I wasn't quite prepared to actually do this birth thing. Despite the hundreds of hours I spent googling birth questions, I was still inevitably unprepared. Then they told me it was time to push, and I couldn't believe it.

Stayed tuned for Part II. Things get real in Part II. Lots of talk about gross birth stuff that I know you're dying to hear. In the meantime, here are some pictures from that day.

On the way to the hospital at 5am...

So glad we got there on time to wait around for another two hours...

Labor...

You can read Part II of Henry's birth story here.

Love,

Lauren

The Turquoise & Gold pregnancy resource guide...

I've had a few people ask for recommendations about what books to read, etc. when embarking on pregnancy. Above is a very condensed guide for the resources I used most when pregnant with Henry. I had a pretty rough pregnancy in some aspects, plus I wasn't working. Which means basically all I did for nine months was scour the internet and google weird stuff like "pregnant weird bump on my elbow." So just trust me. 

Books... The "Birth Partner" is like an easy to read textbook with lots of pictures. It basically covers everything you need to know about birth from labor positions to medication choices. Do not expect your husband to read it. I think Thomas began to read it once on a plane and when I looked over the book was opened to the introduction and he was asleep with his mouth open. Cool, babe. If you plan to breastfeed, I highly suggest "The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding." Even though I still feel like I am the worst breastfeed-er ever, this book is an amazing guide to get you started. 

Apps... The first app is called iPregnant. I liked it the best as a pregnancy tracker because you could look at a calendar and it would tell you how far along you were on each day. This helped me when I was looking forward to being a bridesmaid and traveling on a plane. No matter what, do not buy the "What to Expect" book. Just get the app. The app literally contains all the same information as the book, but on your phone. Also, this app has forums which I still post to when I have a weird question and need the advice of other moms. 

Sites... Alphamom.com is mostly a parenting website, but they have a great pregnancy section that offers a "zero to forty" guide on pregnancy. The week-by-week guide is informative but more fun to read than other guides. Modgblog.com is just my favorite mom blog and you should read it. Birthwitoutfearblog.com is a website dedicated to women sharing birth stories and videos. This site is VERY hippie. Most of the birth videos are unmedicated homebirths. I really suggest watching births on this site or on youtube. It helped me to feel desensitized about the entire labor and birth process and made it seem less scary. In fact, it made me EXCITED about popping a baby out. Give it a shot.

Also, take a prepared childbirth class and make your husband go with you. They aren't going to read the books, so just accept it. But they will go to the classes and probably listen.

Love,

Lauren

I'm on to you...

I don't know much about tracking blog traffic, but from the very little I understand... I see all of you for your true colors. You're just interested in my BODY.

The post that has had the most views is, by far, the one where you get to see me half naked at 32 weeks pregnant. I don't really know what to think about this. In a perfect world you were like wow look how cute and awesome Lauren is for posting such a revealing picture of herself. But in reality you were probably like BARF and then forwarded it to all your coworkers.

Either way, I get it, and I don't blame you. I would do the same thing.

So I've decided that I am going to start updating this blog with my current fitness goals and progress. There is no way in hell that I will be posting a picture of myself in a sportsbra any time soon, but I will try to fulfill my viewership's interest in my muffin top.

If you were just dying to know, I gained 50 lbs during pregnancy. Unfortunately, Henry was not a 45lb baby, so I have a long way to go. I literally lost 30 lbs in the first two weeks after he was born, but have not lost anything since. Admittedly, I haven't been trying all that hard. I have been walking pretty much every day since he was born, and I started going to boot camp two weeks ago. But we all know the key to losing weight is diet, and I don't really have that part under control yet.

In the past when I have wanted to lose weight, I basically had to let myself go hungry many times throughout the day. And when I was really determined, it was just mind over matter. But when breastfeeding, you can't NOT eat. You're actually supposed to have an extra 500 calories, otherwise it could hurt your milk supply. Also, breastfeeding makes you sooo hungry. Imagine being a pregnant teenage boy, on your period, that just woke up from a nap. That's how hungry I am all freaking day.

Regardless, those are all excuses and I am just not making it happen at the moment. I am hoping that maybe posts like these will give me some accountability. Although... I left in the middle of writing this to go to Taco Cabana and get a breakfast burrito.

For now, let's reflect back on skinnier times...

I never shared this video, but it kind of makes sense to put it in this post. My grossly swollen feet at 40 weeks pregnant. It's no shocker that I lost 30 lbs in two weeks when I had at least 5 lbs of fluid in each of my feet...

If any of you have any post-partum weight loss secrets, please share in the comments! 

Love,

Lauren

Our birth plan of broken dreams...

I am hoping for an unmedicated birth. There are so many reasons I feel this way. Some are research-based and some are ME-based. None of my reasons are "judge other moms who don't do the same"-based. Just to be clear. Statistically, in normal pregnancies/ births, unmedicated births tend to have less complications and a slightly lower associated csection rate. Let's all just relax and agree that statement is generally true. There are a lot of very specific reasons I want to forego drugs, and I am happy to tell you all about them if you're interested. But there is one VERY specific reason to get pain meds: BECAUSE YOU FEEL LIKE YOU ARE DYING. And I got a taste of that on Saturday night, and seriously, I've never felt more empathy for other humans in my life.

Anyway, in order to prepare for the arrival of our son, I have spent a lot of time educating myself about all types of births. And that is really the only thing that I feel very strongly about: birth education. No matter what your birth plan is, you have nine months to prepare. Get your ass to Barnes & Noble and read a book. I say this with some attitude because it is amazing to me when I talk to other pregnant women and come to find that they are less prepared for birth than the liars on "I didn't know I was pregnant."

Today, I am here to talk about birth plans and our birth plan. Hospital births have become so routine (around 90% of women get epidurals in major hospitals), that if there is anything specific you want for your labor, it's a good idea to get it in writing because nurses/doctors are going to do whatever the "norm" is unless you specify otherwise. Of course, you can't "plan" birth, but when there are no red flags or indication of complications, you can reasonably assume that everything is going to turn out ok.

We gave our birth plan to the doctor last week, and let's just say that A LOT of it got shot down (highlighted in red). The really annoying part is that all the things he refused are backed up by research AND were taught to us by the hospital birth class. Like intermittent fetal monitoring. It's not like I just read it on some pregnancy blog and slapped a birth plan together.

If you are SUPER committed to getting your dream birth, I'd recommend going to a birth center and/or interviewing a lot of doctors/midwives. At this point, the things I am having to be flexible on are not worth changing doctors or hospitals, but I can see other people feeling very differently.

So here is the plan. I am just providing it in case you a. are wondering what the hell a "birth plan" is or b. are looking for an example of one for your own birth. We called it a "wish list" so that it seemed less demanding/confrontational. Surprise surprise - doctors and nurses don't like to be told what to do by first time know it all moms like me, so I tried to be as unagressive as possible. Also, I'm a huge baby and find ordering pizza to be slightly more confrontational that I am comfortable with.

BIRTH WISH LIST

Patient: Lauren Dougherty

Father: Thomas Dougherty

Doctor:

To hospital staff and all care providers,

We are committed to a natural and unmedicated birth. This birth wish list is based on the assumption that labor and delivery will be without complications that are a threat to the health of mother and/or baby. We fully understand that the introduction of elective or necessary medical interventions can drastically change the options available to a laboring mother. We are prepared to be flexible, but would like to actively participate in any discussions that deviate from the following wish list.

We have chosen our doctor and hospital based on a trust for the quality of care and expertise of the care providers, and we appreciate your support and sensitivity during labor.

ADMINISTRATIVE WISHES

• It is our understanding that there are two rooms that offer a bathtub. If a room with a bathtub is available and membranes have not yet ruptured, we would appreciate being assigned to one of those rooms. Lauren would like to use the tub and/or shower as a means for natural pain management.
• We would prefer to be assigned a nurse that is comfortable with and supportive of natural birth plans.

 LABOR WISHES

• Lauren prefers to not receive IV fluids unless shown to be necessary. She would rather have a heplock put into place should the need for IV fluid or medication arise.
• As per ACOG recommendations, we would prefer to have intermittent fetal monitoring instead of continuous fetal monitoring.
• Lauren prefers cervical checks to be kept to a bare minimum.
• As long as baby and mother are not at risk, we would prefer to be allowed to labor and progress without stringent time constraints.
• Lauren prefers to forgo the artificial rupture of membranes until the late stages of labor.

 PAIN MANAGEMENT WISHES

• Please do not offer chemical pain management. We are both fully educated on all the options, and will request a discussion with a nurse or doctor should we elect to use one of them.
• We plan to use natural techniques including hydrotherapy, a birthing ball, practiced breathing exercises, music, and massage to manage pain.

PUSHING WISHES

• Lauren prefers to push instinctively and with minimal coaching.
• Lauren prefers not to be given an episiotomy unless medically necessary.
• Lauren would prefer the option to push in different positions possibly including: semi-reclining, side-lying, squatting with a bar, or any other position that may feel more productive or comfortable.
• Lauren prefers to be given a reasonable amount of time to deliver the placenta before pitocin or other augmentation be used.

 POSTPARTUM WISHES

• We would prefer that the umbilical cord not be clamped until 2-3 minutes after delivery. Thomas would like to be the one to cut the cord.
• We would like the baby to be immediately placed on Lauren’s chest and to remain there until aftercare is necessary.
• We strongly prefer that the baby have the opportunity to breastfeed before taken to the nursery.

 BABY/NURSERY WISHES

• We prefer that the baby spend as little time in the nursery as possible and to be accompanied by one parent at all times.
• Please do not give the baby formula, sugar water, a bottle, or pacifier at any time without our explicit consent.
• We prefer that the baby room-in with us in the postpartum room.
• We plan to have our baby circumcised and will discuss procedure and options at the appropriate time.

 Thank you for cooperation in this momentous occasion!

Lauren Dougherty                                                            Thomas Dougherty

Mother                                                                                Father

What is in red are the things we already know we aren't getting. The only one that really bugs me is the delayed cord cutting. Research shows that waiting to cut the cord results in a lower incidence rate of infant anemia. My doctor literally used the word "malarkey" when I mentioned this to him. But either way, who cares? Is one extra minute that big of a deal? Can he not just sit there and wait for an extra 60 seconds. It's only my baby's blood supply that I am concerned about. Ugh, whatever. Don't want to talk about it.

Love,

Lauren

Never forget. Ever...

You all have been hearing me complain about pregnancy for nine months now. And I have no shame in saying that I hate it. I am very happy for everyone else who loves pregnancy (not really), but it's just not my thing, and I do not believe it has any bearing on what type of mom I will be.

I know the second this baby comes out, that I am going to fall under a spell in which I completely forget how much I hated all the awful things I had to go through with pregnancy. While I do plan to have additional children, I want to warn/remind myself in advance of everything I hated before I make any rash decisions... and time is running out.

So. Future Lauren: just remember...

Our baby is due in 5 days. I have already been in some sort of active, yet false labor two times, and I am losing my mind. Pregnancy is a perfect science. It makes you so miserable towards the end that you actually look forward to pushing a baby out. If you could send some labor-inducing thoughts my way, I would really appreciate it!

Love,

Lauren

The girl who cried labor...

Yesterday, I had lunch with my good friend Rachel and we met up at Luby's. I said to her, "I think today would be a good day to go into labor, because I really wouldn't mind Luby's being my last pregnant meal." So I ate my fried okra and mac n cheese and went about my day.

Fast forward to 11pm. Tom was asleep, I was just trying to go to sleep when I was having some serious pains in my stomach. I've had lots of random cramps and stuff in my belly throughout the pregnancy, but these were lasting over a minute and had a detectable frequency. I immediately realized how unprepared we were to go to the hospital. We did have a bag packed, but there was nothing we actually needed - like toiletries and underwear. I got all worked up and started packing like a crazy person... Just in case. After an hour of significant contractions that were only a few minutes apart, I woke Thomas up and told him that he should maybe get some stuff ready in case we needed to go to the hospital. That happened about three times before he actually got out of bed.

He asked me what clothes he should bring, and in the midst of my extreme pain, I just yelled "FIGURE IT OUT!" I was not in a state of mind to debate which color polo to pack, or if jeans or shorts would be more appropriate. He ended up settling on jeans, a polo, and loafers. We then did some official timing with his iphone contraction app, and we definitely fell well beyond the "go to the hospital phase." On top of that, I was feeling so sick which is another good sign that things are happening.

We packed the car, and left around 1am. For those of you that have never delivered before, false alarms are so common that most hospitals will have an OB OBSERVATION area where they just kind of monitor you to figure out if you're really in labor before officially admitting you. So an hour and two mind-numbing cervical checks later, the contractions fizzled out and I was holding steady at 3cm.

My fake hospital band...

Tom was sure to point out that I looked like Homer Simpson when he wears the mumu...

So here I am, back home, with one practice run under my belt. I honestly never thought that I would make this mistake. Because the plan is to stay home as long as possible before going to the hospital (to the point of unbearable pain), I never thought I could be in that much pain without it being real labor. For the record, I couldn't talk through the contractions and I was mostly groaning and wincing during them. They were 1+ minutes long, 2-4 minutes apart, and ongoing for two hours.

While I am slightly embarrassed that this happened, the nurses at the hospital were really nice and made me feel like this was no big deal whatsoever. And on the bright side, we're officially packed and ready to go when Henry decides it's time for the real deal. At least I didn't mistake peeing all over myself for my water breaking.

Love,

Lauren

I'm just thankful this didn't happen to ME...

I have this FRIEND. She is pregnant, and roughly as far along I am. About two weeks ago, she got some visitors that were being total a-holes... on her a-hole. Yeah, I'm talking about hemorrhoids. I mean I can't speak from personal experience or anything, but from WHAT I HEAR, hemorrhoids are about the worst benign thing that can happen to your body. I'VE READ that its like every nerve in your body ends in your butt, and every step, laugh, and eye roll sends a lightning bolt of pain straight to your ass.

So out of desperation SHE went to some fake doctor that offers everything from botox to heart transplants (and I am pretty sure he sells Mary Kay out of his office, too) to try and get some perscription strength relief. Well $63 later, and these guys don't seem to be getting the message to go back where they came from.

At HER next appointment with her OB, she mentioned the problem. When HER doctor took a peek, he literally called the nurse over to see and said "Yep. It's a beaut!" Or maybe he meant butte? Either way... straight out of a movie. You might guess that this scene would have horrified HER, but instead the validation that she was suffering from the equivalent of a modern plague felt like justice. Oh and guess what. They most likely will not go away until after birth at which point they will probably get worse. Awesome.

Worst. Thing. Ever. Or so I've been told...

I'm sure at least half of you reading this have had one before, and the other half of us can only sympathize and offer our support. More than 50% of pregnant women develop pregnancy-related hemmies, yet no one talks about it. We all know girls don't poop or fart, and they certainly don't get hemorrhoids so I understand the secrecy of this very common issue.

However. It is my belief that butt shame is keeping the medical community from developing a cure for one of the oldest known pains in the ass. MY FRIEND has discovered that you basically have two options for this issue. Get some creams that don't work (seriously, I don't know how in the hell Preparation H is still in business), or get surgery that might also not work and hurts even worse than the original problem. Not to marginalize actual health problems, but when there are pills to treat AIDS and many curable forms of cancer, how can doctors not just sit down and figure this one out?

My theory is that because of the butt shame, no one is demanding answers. There are no benefit concerts or 5k runs to raise money for hemorrhoid research. I know FOR SURE that if Bono ever had hemorrhoids that they would be erased from the face of the earth by now.

But times are changing, people. On behalf of my FRIEND, I am comitting myself to raising hemorrhoid awareness. So if you were looking for a new philanthropy to get invovled with or a good volunteer job to add to your resume, well here it is...

Love,

Lauren

I'm the king of the world!...

Or at least that's how I feel. If you had recently been wondering about the state of my cervix, I have answers for you. I am 37 weeks and 3 days pregnant. My due date is 18 days away (September 29th). Today I had a weekly check at the doctor where they basically get way up in your biznatch sans speculum to check what's going on. These types of checks are totally not medically necessary, and lots of people from the natural birth persuasion often choose to forgo them. FYI: it hurts like hell. Kind of like someone trying to claw your eyes out from your inside your vagina.

Last week I was locked and loaded. Henry was VERY high, and my cervix was shut tight. Well, today, I am dilated 1-2cm and 50% effaced. Again... king of the world. This does not mean I am in labor, going into labor, or will deliver early, but my doctor says it's a pretty legit indicator that I'm unlikely to go past my due date. Thank you, Jesus. This stage of pregnancy feels so hopeless and the idea of going PAST my due date makes me want to be in a medically induced coma that ends when it's time to push.

Does that sound like an exaggeration? Because it's not...

No, that picture has not been photo shopped. That was the result of going out to dinner after laying down and doing absolutely nothing for an entire day. So it's not like I "pushed" myself or did too much that day. My feet pretty basically look like the all the time now. I literally can feel them jiggle when I walk. I'm sure I have stretch marks on my toes, too. But obviously, I can't see my toes right now so there's no way for me to know for sure.

Oh, and I also found out that I don't have AIDS at my appointment. So really, it's been a pretty awesome day all around.

Love,

Lauren

Newlywed bliss...

As I have made very clear from the beginning, having a baby in our first year of marriage was never part of the plan. But there really is nothing better in life than surprises, and Tom and I can't wait for Henry to be here.

With that said, the whole pregnancy thing kind of puts a kink in being newlyweds. I don't really know what you're "supposed" to do in your first year of marriage, but I don't think it includes long talks about stretch marks or spending Valentine's Day dinner at Jason's Deli. (Because literally all I could eat was a baked potato at that point). You probably also shouldn't be having to make really tough decisions like should we spend money on umbilical cord blood banking or buy a sprinkler system?

And while this may not be true for all woman, in my case pregnancy has shredded any tiny last bit of mystery I was keeping as a woman. You know what I write on the blog. That's only scratching the surface of unsavory details I find it necessary to share with my husband. But whatever, he's that kind of guy and I'm that kind of girl. Nothing really freaks either of us out. Below is more evidence of our newlywed bliss.

10 months into marriage and we're already sleeping in separate "beds"...

No, Tom was not stranded on an island like Tom Hanks in Castaway, nor was he a prisoner of war like Sergeant Brody in Homeland... He just really likes to sleep on the floor. Which means. WHICH MEANS... I get the entire king sized bed to myself.

To clarify the situation, we decided that the dogs would not be allowed on the bed once baby is here. We decided this for safety reasons, but mostly so that there is one less area where the baby is inhaling dog hair at all times. And so that it didn't come as a shock to them, we weaned them off the bed about a month ago and they haven't been on since. This past weekend, Tom got the idea that he would make a pallet and sleep on the floor with them one night for fun. (We know how to have a good time). I think they had a little TOO much fun because he hasn't been back since. FINE BY ME. MORE PILLOWS FOR EVERY PART OF MY BODY.

I am not sure when he will return to our bed, but I'm not too stressed about it. Sleeping while pregnant is so uncomfortable that any amount of extra space to thrash around is a bonus. It was much harder to have the dogs stop sleeping on our bed than it was the husband.

Love,

Lauren

Just like Sarah Jessica Parker...

First I just need to clarify that I am 36 weeks pregnant. FULL TERM PEOPLE. My due date is still 4 weeks away, but doctors have still created this "full term" thing to make pregnant women even more uncomfortable and impatient during the last month of pregnancy.

From the day I found out I was pregnant, I knew I was going to have to make some changes to my "acting" gig with my dad's car dealership. Like when Sarah Jessica Parker had to carry around shopping bags to hide her belly on SATC... Just like that. So I made sure that all commercials immediately change my name to Lauren Rocco Dougherty. It was originally decided to just keep my maiden name so as not to confuse people, but I couldn't have the greater Houston metro area thinking I was an unwed mother or that I had a shotgun wedding. Every commercial up until this latest one did not really reveal that I had a bun in the oven, which is exactly how I wanted it... and I didn't even need an oversized handbag or a trench coat.

But for the most recent commercial, shot at 34 weeks pregnant, I was under the impression that we were going to try and "hide" the fact that I was pregnant by filming up close. I don't read scripts ahead of time because I'm awesome, so I came completely unprepared when I showed up to the studio and read that the entire commercial was about me having a baby (see below).

I really did throw a mini-fit... similar to when moms make their 4 year olds wear fake eyelashes for the first time on "Toddlers in Tiaras." But no one gave me pixie sticks or mountain dew to calm me down. To make matters worse, once the baby is here, I think they're going to add a banner that says like "congrats - it's a boy." That's awful, right? I feel so freaking self-concious about it, but because I am the paid talent, and we realllly need some shutters for our bedroom, I didn't have much leverage in getting my way.

I have no idea if this has hit the air yet, but you saw it here first. 

Love,

Lauren

Maternity shopping in the third trimester...

... Or lack thereof. There is just no point. I really am just trying to cover my body parts at this point, and because I don't go to a job every day, this usually means a tshirt and underwear. Sometimes I put on leggings. If it's a special occasion, I am probably wearing my black BCBG skirt with biker shorts underneath and a tshirt.

So for my final installment on maternity shopping, I've come up with some outside the box options to solve all of your problems...

1. Luckily, I've been to enough Zeta fiesta parties that I have the Mexican mumu covered. But if you need one of these, just go to your local Fiesta grocery store... next to the pinata section.

2. Black is slimming, so just take a couple of hefty bags and staple them together. You can either cut open arm holes with scissors or tear them with your bare hands for an edgier look. 

3. A tarp serves the dual purpose of being draped over your body as a garment and protecting your furniture from baby juice once your water breaks. Either way, you'll be prepared.

4. One size fits all, and the hood covers your hair that you probably haven't washed in two days. 

5. Stripes! Nautical stripes are in, right? Or would we call those more of a Parisian stripe?

6. Because your feet no longer fit into any normal shoes. So it's snooki slippers or crocs. Take your pick. 

7. Stunning. 

Love,

Lauren