A breastfeeding update...

Last time we were on this subject, Henry wasn't gaining weight and I was doing everything possible to increase my supply. We did get him to finally gain some weight, but my supply has never gotten any better. I have tried everything. EVERYTHING. Extra nursing, extra pumping, fenugreek, mothers milk tea, motherlove more milk plus, breast compressions, wearing looser bras, drinking more water, eating more food, and getting a prescription for reglan. None of it made a damn bit of difference. I even ordered this drug that you can't buy in the US from an "international" online pharmacy with no noticeable change. (Crossing my fingers I don't get arrested for this). In a nutshell, I have probably spent about $1000 on breastfeeding stuff. (Don't tell Thomas).

So. Henry gets formula now. I still pump a pathetic 12oz per day (which is like less than half of what he needs), and the rest is formula. All things considered, I'm happy with the current situation, because he is still getting the good stuff from breast milk with the added calories he needs. And truthfully, I wish I would have added formula sooner. I don't know if selfish is the right word, but I definitely have some mom guilt about my stubbornness towards formula. I was basically starving my baby. However, formula does have it's disadvantages. Henry's poop went from slightly gross to fighting with my husband over who has to change his diaper. It is so stinky now... like adult poop. Also, the formula spit up will stain clothes, so I have to change him out of stuff immediately and clean it. 

There is no finite reason as to why my supply is terrible. What seems the most likely is that Henry is an incredible sleeper, and that the long stretches of sleep he has had from an early age prohibited me from feeding him as often as I should have been to establish a good supply. I partially blame the pediatrician for this because he was all yeah sure let him sleep as long as he wants! Well, 3 week old breastfed babies really shouldn't be sleeping 8 hours at time, which I now know. On top of that, I don't think Henry was ever a very skilled nurser. I don't think his latch was ever great, and he was more of a chomper than a sucker if that makes sense. 

I will admit that I kind of love exclusively pumping. I am on my pumping schedule, and Henry can eat whenever he wants, regardless of whether I am home or not. It's just been nice that on the weekends (when dad is home), I can go run to Target or wherever without being so worried about when he might be ready to eat again. 

For any moms that pump all the time, let me share this with you. The tubes on my breastpump started to get a tiny bit of mold in them, so I tried to sterilize them in a steam bag Friday night. THEY MELTED. I panicked, as you can imagine. I immediately ordered some replacements on Amazon, but for three days now I have been having to use a manual hand pump aka the most annoying thing ever. 

This is basically my life now...

Regardless of my issues, next time around I will make some changes. And if you will be embarking on breastfeeding any time soon, let me recommend some strategies to you. 

-Once you get home from the hospital, pump as much as you can. It will help you get an awesome supply going, and you'll hopefully be able to save some milk for the few times you may have the chance to get out of the house. 

-If you get engorged in the beginning, your baby might not be eating properly. It's worth calling a lactation consultant, even just to talk about it.

-Trust your instincts. I KNEW that Henry wasn't gaining enough weight but the pediatrician assured me that everything was ok. I totally trust doctors, but sometimes you have to trust yourself more. Because of my drs assurance, I temporarily ignored some things that really did need to be addressed. 

-Join a boob group. A lot of hospitals have breastfeeding support groups once a week. There is probably no greater resource than other moms when it comes to breastfeeding. Find a group and join it. Also, feel free to contact me or any other breastfeeding moms. I can't tell you how many random facebook messages I have sent out to other moms begging for breastfeeding advice. 

At this point, our breastfeeding days may be numbered. I honestly thought I would be exclusively breastfeeding until Henry was a year old. I never ever ever could have imagined that I would go through all this bullshit just to nourish my child. My wish for every mom ever is abundant milk and pain-free nipples!

Love,

Lauren

Henry's first movie...

The first movie I remember going to in the theater was Sleeping with the Enemy. Obviously, my mom couldn't find a babysitter. I remember not wanting to go, and to convince me, my mom said that it had the same lady in it as Pretty Woman. Oh, the other R-rated Julia Roberts movie I saw before age 5? This is the same mom that STILL comments if my vneck tshirts are a little too low for her liking. (Mom, don't be mad. You were/are the best!)

At three months, Henry obviously is not going to remember his first movie, but I jumped at the chance to go when I figured out that our local theater has a "mommy matinee" once a week. They could have been showing From Justin To Kelly and I would still have been like DONE! WE'RE GOING! I had assumed my movie going days were temporarily suspended for a while. 

We saw Parental Guidance which was cute. It was a very "family" movie, but Billy Crystal was funny enough to keep it from being overly innocent. Henry did great. I was preparing myself for a total shit show, so I was thrilled when he remained content the entire time. He even sat on my lap and watched the movie for maybe 30 minutes. The most eventful part was that we nursed in public for the first time. Which I think is motherhood's best secret. My boobs must excrete horse tranquilizer because there is nothing that relaxes Henry like nursing. He stays alert when we give him a bottle, but put him on the boob and he can hardly keep his eyes open. (This is probably another reason he isn't eating as much as he needs to). So for anyone that has reservations about women nursing in public... just remember that it means the baby isn't screaming.

He's totally into it...

Love,

Lauren

My first mom freak out...

(I'm not counting the time I accidentally overmedicated Henry and had to call poison control... He was fiiiiiiiiine.)

My baby has not gained any weight in a month. Not even one ounce. They're supposed to be gaining 5-7 ounces per week. So yeah, I feel like the worst mom ever.

Henry was a huge baby, and when your child is born big it somewhat freaks you out when they start to be in the "normal" range for weight. At his 1 month checkup he was 75th percentile, at 2 months he was 48th percentile... And now he is somewhere between 20-30th. I have tried to monitor his weight at home on our scale, but haven't been too religious about it because it means that I have to weight myself. Which is an entirely different post. Anyway, he would vary in weight on our scale, and even though everyone around me said not to worry, I made an appointment and we went to the doctor yesterday. Well I am glad I did because my baby could technically be categorized as showing "failure to thrive."

As you all know, I am breastfeeding. Henry has never had anything but breastmilk. All science everywhere tells us that breastfeeding is a gazillion times better than formula feeding, so that's what I have been sticking to. However, when your child is not gaining weight then it's time to reevaluate the pros and cons. Luckily, my doctor encouraged me to meet with a lactation consultant before supplementing with formula because it would be a very slippery slope that may result in not breastfeeding at all. My emotional commitment to breastfeeding left the building a long time ago, but I still believe there are a ton of benefits to be had in the next 9 months for Henry. If there is a way to still make breastfeeding work, I am willing to stick with it.

The lactation consultant came today and we talked about my boobs for an hour. (Apparently, I have fair-colored nipples. Cool?) Then she weighed Henry before and after a feeding to see exactly how much he was getting.

Her diagnosis is that Henry is basically too awesome of a baby to gain weight. Because he slept 5-7 hours at night from the day he was born, and starting sleeping 10 hours regularly after a month, he was missing a lot of feedings. And because he missed them, my body didn't build up a very good milk supply early on. I guess I figured he was making up for it during the day, and I just listened to the doctor when he said to let Henry sleep as long as he wants. On top of the sleeping, she said he is clearly very "laid back" because he only had 2.5 ounces from me today at the feeding, and then was a smiley happy baby who wanted to play. Most babies would still show signs of hunger.

So now, in an effort to increase my milk supply, I need to feed him one extra time a day as well as give him an extra bottle of pumped milk. Sounds easy enough, right? But the pumped milk basically has to come from times when I would otherwise be sleeping. Like last night I set an alarm at 3am to wake up and pump. It might not sounds THAT bad, but it's miserable.

My biggest concern is that Henry might not actually be my child. Can't gain weight? NOT INTERESTED IN FOOD? And the fact that he is laid back and not complaining all the time also raises an eyebrow.

He's too happy to eat I guess...

This is a little late, but Happy New Years to you all! Whether you read this blog because you like or because you hate it, I appreciate you stopping by! I hope that everyone has the best year ever in 2013!

Love,

Lauren

I'm on to you...

I don't know much about tracking blog traffic, but from the very little I understand... I see all of you for your true colors. You're just interested in my BODY.

The post that has had the most views is, by far, the one where you get to see me half naked at 32 weeks pregnant. I don't really know what to think about this. In a perfect world you were like wow look how cute and awesome Lauren is for posting such a revealing picture of herself. But in reality you were probably like BARF and then forwarded it to all your coworkers.

Either way, I get it, and I don't blame you. I would do the same thing.

So I've decided that I am going to start updating this blog with my current fitness goals and progress. There is no way in hell that I will be posting a picture of myself in a sportsbra any time soon, but I will try to fulfill my viewership's interest in my muffin top.

If you were just dying to know, I gained 50 lbs during pregnancy. Unfortunately, Henry was not a 45lb baby, so I have a long way to go. I literally lost 30 lbs in the first two weeks after he was born, but have not lost anything since. Admittedly, I haven't been trying all that hard. I have been walking pretty much every day since he was born, and I started going to boot camp two weeks ago. But we all know the key to losing weight is diet, and I don't really have that part under control yet.

In the past when I have wanted to lose weight, I basically had to let myself go hungry many times throughout the day. And when I was really determined, it was just mind over matter. But when breastfeeding, you can't NOT eat. You're actually supposed to have an extra 500 calories, otherwise it could hurt your milk supply. Also, breastfeeding makes you sooo hungry. Imagine being a pregnant teenage boy, on your period, that just woke up from a nap. That's how hungry I am all freaking day.

Regardless, those are all excuses and I am just not making it happen at the moment. I am hoping that maybe posts like these will give me some accountability. Although... I left in the middle of writing this to go to Taco Cabana and get a breakfast burrito.

For now, let's reflect back on skinnier times...

I never shared this video, but it kind of makes sense to put it in this post. My grossly swollen feet at 40 weeks pregnant. It's no shocker that I lost 30 lbs in two weeks when I had at least 5 lbs of fluid in each of my feet...

If any of you have any post-partum weight loss secrets, please share in the comments! 

Love,

Lauren

Our 2 month old has an iPhone...

 Henry is now 2 months old, and as far as I can tell 2 months is when they start being real babies. Up until now, I've felt more like a caretaker than a mom. Even though I was instantly bonded to him, he didn't seem to give a rat's ass about me. But now we are getting real interaction. He is smiling and talking more and more, and he is batting at toys and grabbing at them on occasion. He also now likes to be held which is amazing because I finally get to cuddle and hug my sweet baby.

The best part of my entire day is when I go to get him out of bed and he looks up at me and instantly smiles. He is already getting it that I'm awesome, and it just kills me every single day. 

As for his baby stats, he is now 11lbs10oz and 23.5 inches long. This makes him a pretty lean baby, but the doctor assures me he is doing great. He sleeps 8-10 hours straight a night, and we're still breastfeeding 7-8 times a day. Speaking of sleep, that's why he has an iPhone. There is nothing that makes our baby sleep like roaring white noise. So we downloaded an app on Tom's old phone and keep it 3 inches away from Henry's head about 12 hours a day. We frequently have discussions about our feelings on children and cellphones... and it looks like we gave in about fifteen years and 46 weeks sooner than planned. 

He is still in disposable diapers, but we plan to switch to cloth diapers here soon. I will probably wait until he grows out of size 1 because we have a million left that I don't want to go to waste. The cloth diaper thing will be a huge trial and error process, but I have really high hopes that we can pull it off. Why do I want to use cloth you ask? It saves a ton of money, and it really is disguisting how much waste disposables contribute to the environment. I'm not super "green" or anything, but I guess if I can be more eco friendly while also saving money, it's worth a shot. 

He's pretty close to learning the eye roll...

Yeah, that's Tom's arm in the background. This was the only picture in which Henry was remotely looking at the camera, and he just wasn't in the mood to sit up. He became entranced with the pattern of the chair and just wanted to stair down at the fabric the entire time. Plus, I already took about 50 pictures of him today, so he is basically over it. 

Some more successful photos...

Oh, will someone please tell me how I am supposed to do tummy time? He hates it. HATES. IT. And it is like he is panicked the entire time which freaks me out. Do I just make him suck it up?

Love,

Lauren

Things always get better...

People always tell me that "it gets better" but I seriously never believe them. From morning sickness to post partum swelling, I always convince myself that I am the universe's #1 most special case of every thing that's bad, ever. Although, I am still pretty certain that I was truly suffering from narcolepsy in my early 20s.

I was especially dramatic about breastfeeding. I even said it was ruining my life. Welp. That too has improved. My baby still screams about every 90 minutes during the day for food, and it still hurts... but somehow it's ok now. A little of it might be that he is is growing and becoming a better eater. He has more head control, can feed faster, and most importantly, he can unlatch when he is done. All babies should do the last one, but Henry had to be pried off with a crowbar.

We're still exclusively breastfeeding and he has never had formula. As much as I sometimes hoped there was a medical reason I could no longer breastfeed, this article always brings me back to why I felt so passionately about breastfeeding in the first place. Read it. 

As far as the "colic" goes, that is also better. Henry still likes to scream to prove his worth as a baby, but he has a much easier time being content. I think a big part of this is that he is starting to interact with the world much more. He looks at toys, he is smiling at us, and he is babbling his little baby head off. Basically, he will accept certain forms of entertainment now that distract him from how much he hates being a baby. Or maybe he is starting to like us more?

I would say he is still sensitive to being overstimulated (and he will always make us pay for it later), but it is getting better almost every day. So if I tell you that you can't hold him because he's already "had a big day," it is partially true and partially an awesome excuse to leave social functions early.

My favorite picture of him so far...

That's my hospital bag in the background. I think I will just keep it there until it's time for the next baby. 

Love,

Lauren

My boobs (and my spirit) are broken...

Last night, I cried for the first time Henry was born. I know it's ok for new moms to cry constantly, but I have just been in survival mode - putting one foot in front of the other - with little time left for reflection. I am not the kind of girl that cries a lot in real life. (Although I cry constantly in my life as it pertains to watching commercials, tv, and movies). So for me to muster up some tears, I usually am at a place that's pretty grim.

If this sounds like an introduction to the "I have postpartum depression" conversation, it's not. It is however the beginning of the story called "breastfeeding is ruining my life."

That's obviously a hyperbolic statement, and my life is not ruined. In fact, I will readily admit that I basically have the easiest life ever. But, this shit is hard. And it makes me feel like a bad mom. Two weeks ago, I would have told you that breastfeeding hurts like a bitch and that it is way more difficult than I ever imagined. Of course, I never imagined that WE would have any problems. I read several books about breastfeeding. I watched youtube videos of strangers boobs in preparation. I spent the last 3 months of pregnancy with my iphone glued to my hand reading every baby forum on the internet. But about $200 on every breastfeeding product available and one visit from the lactation consultant later - breastfeeding isn't hard: it's traumatic.

There was/is nothing I feel more strongly about as a mom than the benefits of breastfeeding, so you can imagine that I have a huge sense of loss about not loving it. Yes, it is extremely painful for me. And at one month, it shouldn't be... especially when you've tried everything to make it better. But that's not what is making it awful. What is making me so upset is that breastfeeding is supposed to be an extremely sweet, loving, and bonding act between mother and baby. And it could not be further from that for me right now.

Sometimes, I even find myself getting mad at Henry for not latching properly or doing something that hurts me. MAD. At a BABY. Yeah, that's insane, right? And even if the feeding is only moderately painful, I find myself completely disconnected and just wanting it to be over. I even feel tempted to cut feedings short because I can't take the discomfort any more. Which, hello, you cannot do if you are trying to feed a baby solely on breastmilk. And on top of that, I am starting to have trouble satisfying Henry with enough milk.

So last night, I considered buying some formula for the first time, and even the thought of it sent me into a shame spiral of guilt and embarrassment. I am not implying that any mom that formula feeds should feel guilty, or that formula is in any way "bad" for your baby. But even the formula cans remind everyone that "breast is best" right there on the label. I was formula fed as a baby, and I turned out ok. It's just that knowingly/purposefully doing something that is "second-best" for your child can really make you second guess yourself. Am I trying hard enough? Am I just being a huge baby? Am I being selfish?

On the other side of the coin... Maybe I would be a better mom if I wasn't stressed out and unhappy every time my child was hungry? Maybe I could be more nurturing during feedings? Maybe Henry would have the fun, pleasant Lauren as a mom instead of crazy-ass, losing control Lauren? I sure as hell know I could sleep more, and be more emotionally available. Currently, 90% of my thoughts are focused on boob pain, when they should be focused on enjoying this fleeting time with our baby.

I went to HEB today. I bought some formula. We haven't opened it yet. Bad days are not the time to make big decisions, so I am holding off for now. I am considering trying to both breastfeed and formula feed. That way, Henry will still get the benefits of breastmilk, and I will get the benefits of a mental, pain-free break.

Let me remind everyone that breastfeeding is absolutely ideal for your baby's health and has a ton of benefits for mom, too. From the 9 million hours I have spent on the internet researching how to make this all better, I have learned that I am in a small minority of people that have this unsolvable pain issue. More importantly, I accepted the notion that you have to take care of yourself to be a good mom. I thoroughly rejected this thought before now. I strongly felt that you have to do what is always best for your baby, no matter what. Well, now I am realizing sometimes what is best is a middle-of-the-road combination of the baby's needs AND your needs.

A dramatic photo montage demonstrating what breastfeeding has been like so far...

Love,

Lauren

My reaction to the TIME magazine cover...

What I should have named this post is, "Have you ever wondered what I would look like if I was skinny?" Because I know I have. And now that I photoshopped this picture, the social backlash of this article is the last thing on my mind. I would breastfeed my kid until prom if I could look that good doing it. For anyone who doesn't know me personally, I have never been that skinny. So this picture is kind of blowing my mind right now.

Anyway, my reaction is whatever. Mostly, I don't care. I would say that the picture is startling, even to me. I think I've seen someone breastfeed in person maybe twice in my entire life... mostly because I have never been around babies on a consistent basis in my personal life. One time, I saw someone pumping in the basement bathroom in the human ecology builing at UT, and that kind of freaked me out... but mostly because the woman was so unattractive. Which may sound like a really terrible thing to say, but it's the same thing as how watching attractive people makeout is easier than watching ugly people get it on. Yeah, I said it. And to that point, the mom on the cover of TIME is pretty hot... even with MY face on her.

But let's get back to it. I am a huge supporter of breastfeeding, and breastfeeding for as long as possible. In my mind, as long as possible seems like about a year. But obviously, as long as possible can actually mean elementary school. Which blows my mind. Not in a judgemental way, but I just can't quite understand how a child that age would really be interested in it, or not start to realize that none of their friends are still getting milk from mom's boobs. I was trying my best to always fit in since the first time I saw Grease, so I feel like I would have certainly shunned this practice. Plus, I had shit to do at that age. Like buying crayons and cutting my own hair. I think I would have been a little too busy to sit with mom and be quiet for that amount of time.

This is America. Less than 25% of babies are still breastfed at 12 months. So yeah, the TIME lady is certainly in a tiny minority. But in other parts of the world, tons of kids are still breastfeeding at 3 years old. So I really didn't like it when people called this picture "unnatural." By definition, NOT breastfeeding is unnatural, and 1 in 4 American babies will never have breastmilk in their life. Sure there are some medical reasons/circumstances that could cause this, but mostly it's due to a lack of education and the fact that people make a lot more money off of selling formula than promoting/supporting breastfeeding.

The article really isn't about breastfeeding, it's about Attachment Parenting... specifically the extremes of attachment parenting (ie. the cover picture). Most of what I understand about attachment parenting is a combination of instinct, convenience, and common sense. If you think about humans "out in the wild"... a baby being seperated from it's mother or not breastfeeding would most likely result in death. So obviously, somewhere in human instinct, babies are meant to be close to their mothers most of the time. And so forth.

There are aspects of attachment parenting that I think I will end up doing, but not as a part of a subscribed method of mothering. I am going to breastfeed, and it will probably end up being more convenient to have the baby sleep next to me. Maybe in a bassinet agaisnt the side of the bed, and maybe he will even end up in our bed. TBD. (PS-before you freak out that we are going to smother our child, we have a huge king sized bed, and I would definitely have the baby safely snuggled in some sort or co-sleeping barrier). Baby-wearing is a big part of AP too. All that means is having the baby in a wrap, sling, or whatever baby bjorn type thing you have. And I think that seems pretty normal to most people.

The way I see it, AP creates an obvious elephant in the room for moms that I am not quite brave enough to bring up on my blog. At least not yet. 

My point is, please don't do what TIME has done and associate attachment parenting with freaks who still bathe their children through high school. Take some time to learn about the general ideas, and decide if they make sense to you. Most people probably practice some parts of it without even knowing, because like I said, a lot of it is just human instinct that any loving parent would do. And in conclusion, may I remind you that it does not say RSVP on the Statue of Liberty!?

Love,

Lauren

PS- Mayim Bialik  AKA "BLOSSOM" is a huge proponent of attachment parenting, and even has her own book called "Beyond the Sling". For some of you, that might be enough reason to care about this topic...