My boobs (and my spirit) are broken...

Last night, I cried for the first time Henry was born. I know it's ok for new moms to cry constantly, but I have just been in survival mode - putting one foot in front of the other - with little time left for reflection. I am not the kind of girl that cries a lot in real life. (Although I cry constantly in my life as it pertains to watching commercials, tv, and movies). So for me to muster up some tears, I usually am at a place that's pretty grim.

If this sounds like an introduction to the "I have postpartum depression" conversation, it's not. It is however the beginning of the story called "breastfeeding is ruining my life."

That's obviously a hyperbolic statement, and my life is not ruined. In fact, I will readily admit that I basically have the easiest life ever. But, this shit is hard. And it makes me feel like a bad mom. Two weeks ago, I would have told you that breastfeeding hurts like a bitch and that it is way more difficult than I ever imagined. Of course, I never imagined that WE would have any problems. I read several books about breastfeeding. I watched youtube videos of strangers boobs in preparation. I spent the last 3 months of pregnancy with my iphone glued to my hand reading every baby forum on the internet. But about $200 on every breastfeeding product available and one visit from the lactation consultant later - breastfeeding isn't hard: it's traumatic.

There was/is nothing I feel more strongly about as a mom than the benefits of breastfeeding, so you can imagine that I have a huge sense of loss about not loving it. Yes, it is extremely painful for me. And at one month, it shouldn't be... especially when you've tried everything to make it better. But that's not what is making it awful. What is making me so upset is that breastfeeding is supposed to be an extremely sweet, loving, and bonding act between mother and baby. And it could not be further from that for me right now.

Sometimes, I even find myself getting mad at Henry for not latching properly or doing something that hurts me. MAD. At a BABY. Yeah, that's insane, right? And even if the feeding is only moderately painful, I find myself completely disconnected and just wanting it to be over. I even feel tempted to cut feedings short because I can't take the discomfort any more. Which, hello, you cannot do if you are trying to feed a baby solely on breastmilk. And on top of that, I am starting to have trouble satisfying Henry with enough milk.

So last night, I considered buying some formula for the first time, and even the thought of it sent me into a shame spiral of guilt and embarrassment. I am not implying that any mom that formula feeds should feel guilty, or that formula is in any way "bad" for your baby. But even the formula cans remind everyone that "breast is best" right there on the label. I was formula fed as a baby, and I turned out ok. It's just that knowingly/purposefully doing something that is "second-best" for your child can really make you second guess yourself. Am I trying hard enough? Am I just being a huge baby? Am I being selfish?

On the other side of the coin... Maybe I would be a better mom if I wasn't stressed out and unhappy every time my child was hungry? Maybe I could be more nurturing during feedings? Maybe Henry would have the fun, pleasant Lauren as a mom instead of crazy-ass, losing control Lauren? I sure as hell know I could sleep more, and be more emotionally available. Currently, 90% of my thoughts are focused on boob pain, when they should be focused on enjoying this fleeting time with our baby.

I went to HEB today. I bought some formula. We haven't opened it yet. Bad days are not the time to make big decisions, so I am holding off for now. I am considering trying to both breastfeed and formula feed. That way, Henry will still get the benefits of breastmilk, and I will get the benefits of a mental, pain-free break.

Let me remind everyone that breastfeeding is absolutely ideal for your baby's health and has a ton of benefits for mom, too. From the 9 million hours I have spent on the internet researching how to make this all better, I have learned that I am in a small minority of people that have this unsolvable pain issue. More importantly, I accepted the notion that you have to take care of yourself to be a good mom. I thoroughly rejected this thought before now. I strongly felt that you have to do what is always best for your baby, no matter what. Well, now I am realizing sometimes what is best is a middle-of-the-road combination of the baby's needs AND your needs.

A dramatic photo montage demonstrating what breastfeeding has been like so far...

Love,

Lauren

My reaction to the TIME magazine cover...

What I should have named this post is, "Have you ever wondered what I would look like if I was skinny?" Because I know I have. And now that I photoshopped this picture, the social backlash of this article is the last thing on my mind. I would breastfeed my kid until prom if I could look that good doing it. For anyone who doesn't know me personally, I have never been that skinny. So this picture is kind of blowing my mind right now.

Anyway, my reaction is whatever. Mostly, I don't care. I would say that the picture is startling, even to me. I think I've seen someone breastfeed in person maybe twice in my entire life... mostly because I have never been around babies on a consistent basis in my personal life. One time, I saw someone pumping in the basement bathroom in the human ecology builing at UT, and that kind of freaked me out... but mostly because the woman was so unattractive. Which may sound like a really terrible thing to say, but it's the same thing as how watching attractive people makeout is easier than watching ugly people get it on. Yeah, I said it. And to that point, the mom on the cover of TIME is pretty hot... even with MY face on her.

But let's get back to it. I am a huge supporter of breastfeeding, and breastfeeding for as long as possible. In my mind, as long as possible seems like about a year. But obviously, as long as possible can actually mean elementary school. Which blows my mind. Not in a judgemental way, but I just can't quite understand how a child that age would really be interested in it, or not start to realize that none of their friends are still getting milk from mom's boobs. I was trying my best to always fit in since the first time I saw Grease, so I feel like I would have certainly shunned this practice. Plus, I had shit to do at that age. Like buying crayons and cutting my own hair. I think I would have been a little too busy to sit with mom and be quiet for that amount of time.

This is America. Less than 25% of babies are still breastfed at 12 months. So yeah, the TIME lady is certainly in a tiny minority. But in other parts of the world, tons of kids are still breastfeeding at 3 years old. So I really didn't like it when people called this picture "unnatural." By definition, NOT breastfeeding is unnatural, and 1 in 4 American babies will never have breastmilk in their life. Sure there are some medical reasons/circumstances that could cause this, but mostly it's due to a lack of education and the fact that people make a lot more money off of selling formula than promoting/supporting breastfeeding.

The article really isn't about breastfeeding, it's about Attachment Parenting... specifically the extremes of attachment parenting (ie. the cover picture). Most of what I understand about attachment parenting is a combination of instinct, convenience, and common sense. If you think about humans "out in the wild"... a baby being seperated from it's mother or not breastfeeding would most likely result in death. So obviously, somewhere in human instinct, babies are meant to be close to their mothers most of the time. And so forth.

There are aspects of attachment parenting that I think I will end up doing, but not as a part of a subscribed method of mothering. I am going to breastfeed, and it will probably end up being more convenient to have the baby sleep next to me. Maybe in a bassinet agaisnt the side of the bed, and maybe he will even end up in our bed. TBD. (PS-before you freak out that we are going to smother our child, we have a huge king sized bed, and I would definitely have the baby safely snuggled in some sort or co-sleeping barrier). Baby-wearing is a big part of AP too. All that means is having the baby in a wrap, sling, or whatever baby bjorn type thing you have. And I think that seems pretty normal to most people.

The way I see it, AP creates an obvious elephant in the room for moms that I am not quite brave enough to bring up on my blog. At least not yet. 

My point is, please don't do what TIME has done and associate attachment parenting with freaks who still bathe their children through high school. Take some time to learn about the general ideas, and decide if they make sense to you. Most people probably practice some parts of it without even knowing, because like I said, a lot of it is just human instinct that any loving parent would do. And in conclusion, may I remind you that it does not say RSVP on the Statue of Liberty!?

Love,

Lauren

PS- Mayim Bialik  AKA "BLOSSOM" is a huge proponent of attachment parenting, and even has her own book called "Beyond the Sling". For some of you, that might be enough reason to care about this topic...

Too good not to share...

Pregnancy has led me to some pretty freaky corners of the internet forum world, and somehow yesterday I ended up on this thread about marijuana use during pregnancy. Basically it was a very generalized blurb on a baby website that said "studies show..." that marijuana use should be avoided during pregnancy. I mean, that's probably just general common sense, but like everything else, I am sure thousands of perfect babies have been delivered to mommy potheads. Although, I have to admit, that when I was in the worst of my morning sickness, I remember daydreaming about medicinal marijuana for about five seconds. I mean, whatever. I would never smoke pot while pregnant, but I also feel it's still probably better than smoking cigarettes while pregnant. (That statement is totally based on a non-scientific hunch I have. Please consult your doctor if you have any questions about lighting up a doobie with a bun in the oven.)

The comments on this little article were priceless. They were like 95% from moms who said they smoked pot all the time when they were pregnant for a variety of reasons. About 95% of the comments also had terrible spelling and grammar. Just saying. 

So this one is just simply the best, and I felt it was way too good not to share:

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ARE YOU TIRED OF BEING JUDGED! JUST WANT SOMEONE TO TALK TO? ARE YOU SICK AND TIRED OF NOT BEING ABLE TO ENJOY A DECENT CONVERSATION WITHOUT SOMEONE ADDING A BIASED OPINION....well if so, read on. For those of you who are interested in talking about this topic freely and fairly without passing jugdement or having judgement passed on you please email me for a link to the new site.smokinmomz@yahoo.com There was a new site created where some of the old babycenter members have migrated to like myself to listen and discuss this topic freely. Its not only about this topic but many pregnancy related topics also. Please join us! We would love more members who can relate and chat about this subject and other related ones.

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So if you've been looking for a pre-natal marijuana support group, you're welcome. SMOKINMOMZ@YAHOO.COM is eagerly awaiting your participation.

Love,

Lauren


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Does pregnancy turn everyone into a hippie?...

Or is it just me that this is happening to?

I don't know what's going on... I don't even like long skirts or anything remotely resembling "bo-ho". I might do some ethnic inspired looks from time to time, a la Naeem Khan, but flutter sleeves kind of make me want to die.

But here I am, thinking that homebirths are the way birth was MEANT to take place, and that going through labor in a bathtub sounds awesome... And duh, I am getting a doula.

Is this the new me?

While I am still shaving my armpits and having things monogrammed, my entire thought process on pregnancy, labor, and birth has made a decided shift towards an ideology that conjures up images of Woodstock and smells of patchouli. 

First of all, the all-natural birth. It seems that most of our moms (if you're around my age) had at least one natural birth. And we all turned out FINE. I do believe that medical advances make complicated or high-risk births much safer and save many lives. If I end up in this tiny percentage of people, I will be so grateful to be surrounded by the most advanced, high-tech medical care available. I believe in science and I trust doctors, but I also believe in the human body and the processes it has been going through for millions of years. But, it really is a tiny percentage of people who necessitate such care. This tiny percentage is why I am definitely giving birth in a hospital (yes, there are choices), but I am hoping my doctor and nurses are cool with letting things unfold naturally and at their own pace. AGAIN, as part of all this, I believe that every woman has the right to chose how/when/where to birth with no judgement from me or anyone else, and I operate under the assumption that all moms do what they truly believe is best for their baby. 

I didn't just arrive at these ideas from sitting on the couch and contemplating during real housewives commercial breaks, I have been reading a lot of books. Let me just admit, that I am HIGHLY influence-able. Like you should have seen me the first time I saw "Bowling For Columbine". I react pretty much the same way to all documentaries, and I realize that this is NOT GOOD. I can't even consider watching the documentary about Japanese dolphin hunting because I just don't have time to go on a Save the Dolphins crusade right now. 

I am currently reading Hypnobirthing by Marie F. Mongan. This book is basically about removing fear from the birth process and relaxation techniques that aide the body in releasing endorphins. Yes, there is self-hypnosis involved, but it's more like teaching yourself to day-dream through the discomfort and less like a swinging pendulum. I don't know if I will use all the techniques prescribed by Hypnobirthing, but I LOVE anything that reassures me that our bodies were meant to handle this and that I should not fear labor or birth. I highly recommend this book to anyone that is pregnant. It's not weird, it's comforting. Promise. 

Also, I have recently learned about an old book (written in the first half of the 20th century) called Childbirth without Fear. It's an examination of childbirth based on the observation that women with less access to medical care and education tend to have easier childbirths with much less pain. Like why is it that a tribal woman in Africa can just go lean up against a tree and give birth to her baby by herself, and then be on her way? I don't want to give birth under a tree, because like a true silver spoon child, I happen to be allergic to grass. But I am not allergic to hottubs, and I really hope our hospital has some sort of bath that I can relax in while I am in labor. No, I probably will not push the baby out in water, but resting in a jacuzzi when my uterus is trying to move a child sounds pretty nice.

So yeah, I plan to breastfeed as much as possible, give cloth diapers a whirl, and practice a lot of attachment parenting techniques. I will probably breastfeed in public at least once... just so I can embarrass my mom.

Feel free to judge me if all this sounds weird to you. It would have sounded weird to me before I got pregnant. And if it makes you feel better, I WILL NOT EAT MY OWN PLACENTA. Seriously, this is something I resolutely will not do. Not because I think it's all that gross (by the time you eat it, it's been dried and ground into an indistinguishable powder), but mostly I don't believe that there are any benefits to snacking on the placenta.

Love,

Lauren

Doula oblongata...

At this point, I am really hoping to have an all-natural childbirth. There are a lot of little know-it-all-even-though-I've-never-given-birth reasons, but I'll let you google those. My subscription to this idea intensified when I spent like 3 hours last week watching natural childbirth videos on youtube. Sounds scary, right? Well, actually it made me less scared. I saw all these women who I assume are no better or tougher (certainly not cuter) than me delivering their babies. Sure, I could tell they were in major pain, and yes, the videos kind of made me want to throw up (they showed EVERYTHING), but it really did seem just so natural.

And when it comes down to it, I am terrified of having a c-section aka MAJOR ABDOMINAL SURGERY, and science shows that woman who use medical intervention (like pitocin and epidurals) during labor/childbirth have a higher rate for emergency c-sections. So to be clear, I am not being all judgy wudgy about people who use drugs or have c-sections, I am just fearful of both for a lot of selfish reasons.

So with all that in mind, I think I may want to hire a doula. Don't feel bad if you don't know what that is, because I didn't either until like a year ago. Well, it's kind of like a birth coach that helps you manage your pain/contractions (some are also trained in hypnobirthing), and they can also act as a mediator/advocate if unexpected things happen during labor that require you to make a last minute decision. When I first heard about doulas, I kind of likened it to a yoga instructor for childbirth... I also thought they were for weirdos.

I've watched a lot of TLC baby shows lately, and most of the people who plan to have a natural birth are like smelly hippies with dreads and armpit hair... And even THOSE girls halfway through decide they cant handle the pain, and ask for the good stuff. So my main objective in hiring a doula is finding someone to help me get through the pain and keep me from giving in to it and getting drugged.

And then, yesterday, I told my mom about the doula idea. DID. NOT. GO. WELL. In her mind, the doula is going to be chanting in another language and lighting sage around the hospital room. (Keep in mind my mom literally has no idea what a doula is).

I am pretty sure my mom thinks a doula will look like Erykah Badu (not that she knows who that is, either)...

I was more thinking Julianne Moore in "The Kids are Alright"...

You know, like cargo pants and leather bracelets. Plus, I love Julianne Moore. I think in reality, most doulas are just kind of normal and frumpy looking. Bad jeans, sweatshirts, no makeup, but they're certainly not witch doctors. 

My mom thinks that hiring a doula would be "way over the top," and says that she'll be embarrassed if I get one because the doctors and nurses will gossip about me. It's not like I am hiring a hair and makeup team for the birth, or that any IV fluids I get only be mixed with Fiji water. 

What about my husband? Why can't he support me and help me? Because I know how to trick him into doing stuff for me. So if I am crying that I want an epidural, he's going to make sure I get one. Don't get me wrong, Thomas is going to be an ideal birth partner. He is super sweet and comforting, will intervene with the medical staff if needed, plus (like me) he loves gross stuff so I don't think the birth process is going to be more than he can stand to watch. But because he is my husband, and seeing me in pain will be difficult, I feel that it may be hard for him to remain in focused birth-coach mode and that any amount of training we do might go out the window.

None of this is set in stone, and I do agree with my mom that I CAN do it without a doula. But at this point I am considering it. If you have any doula experiences to share or wish you had one, pleeease let me know! And basically, if you are reading this and have given birth to a human baby, let me know about that too. I really like hearing everyone's experiences, and find it comforting to know that no matter what ends up happening in birth that I WILL SURVIVE.

Love,

Lauren

PS - I would like to give a shoutout to my husband for coming up with the title of this post. When I first mentioned the doula idea to him, he just said "doula oblongata?" I laughed. Then he asked me how much a doula costs.

My first pregnancy book...

Honestly, with google, there is hardly any need for generalized pregnancy books. I get no less than three emails a week from various websites telling me how big my baby is, what gross symptoms I should be having, and there is also usually a statement about how I need to be eating healthy and working out... aka stop watching Bravo and getting Sonic every day.

So the other night I went to Barnes & Noble with my mom to see what pregnancy book written by a hippie that I could buy. I first skimmed over Hypnobirthing, but decided I could buy it somewhere else for cheaper. Then I found The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding. I fully intend to breastfeed my baby as exclusively as possible, and because I know nothing about babies or caring for them, I figured I should probably get a handle on how I plan to provide my baby with food. I've read about 20% of the book so far, and I can sum it up for you pretty easily... If you don't breastfeed, you are a terrible mother that hates her baby. (Did I mention that I was never breastfed?). Also, your baby probably won't get into a good college or be popular.

The Motherly Art of Breastfeeding

The book isn't actually that judgemental, but it just follows the theme that breastfeeding is what is normal for your body and your baby, and anything else should be considered biologically "abnormal." I believe they make this point so that people start thinking about/researching breastfeeding as the control, and formula feeding as the variable. A lot of studies approach this research the other way around. I totally buy into this as someone who deeply subscribes to the idea of looking at evolution/genetics to tell you what is healthiest based on what your body was meant to do. (ie - eat meat and vegetables, lift heavy stuff, go to sleep in complete darkness, breastfeeding, etc..) I mean, really, your baby pops out with one major instinct: to find your nipple as soon as possible and go to town. 

Listen, I get it that breastfeeding is hard, and some people have problems with it. Sometimes a mom can't make enough milk to sustain their baby in the very beginning. That could very well be me. At the grocery store. Buying formula. I have no judgement (outloud) of people who don't breastfeed (my mom), but there is no way to argue that it's not the best option for your baby if you are both healthy. And while I may be too lazy to throw away the empty shampoo bottle in our shower for over a month, I can't see myself not doing something that my baby was genetically designed to need and want.

On a lighter note, my mom came and met me in the pregnancy section and asked if I was going to buy What To Expect When You're Expecting, I looked over at the What To Expect display and said, "look at the cover... does that look like a book that was written for ME?"

Well does it?...

What To Expect When You're Expecting

My mom laughed right away. And if you know me at all, you will too. Ummm... I guess it could be worse. She could be wearing some knit gaucho pants with a foldover waist. Or maybe Uggs with a denim skirt. Anyway, jokes aside, there is a What To Expect pregnancy app for iphone, and that's all I need from this franchise of products.

So if you know anything about breastfeeding, we need to talk.

Love,

Lauren